Film Summary DCCXCVII (Massacre in Dinosaur Valley)

 


Well this just sucked. 

You had all the Hallmarks to make a tacky but enjoyable Lost World movie (and we're talkin lost world 1925 here.) 
Instead all you do is a lost in the jungle film with bad stereotypes and you don't even have the common courtesy to stick with one particular story. 

First we're on an expedition to find dinosaur bones. 
Then we're a survival story with a small crew of Passenger surviving a plane crash in the middle of the jungle. 
Then we're story about being hunted by stereotypical tribesmen. 
Finally we're a story about surviving in some weird prison like slave camp in the middle of northern Brazil.

Can we just pick one story and stick with it! 

Are you so deprived of a story or captivating content that you have to keep trying to entice us with a new hook? 
You threw in a crap ton of boobs and it still wasn't entertaining. 

If you wanted to make a porno then just make one. 
Cut it down to 20 minutes; put all the sex scenes in; have the weird slavery angle with some lesbian kink. 
Do the sacrifices, get your male actors in there too and just commit to making a sex flick. 

But no. 
Instead we get this half-assed film that can't do anything but bore me to tears. 
I got about an hour in before I started losing interest. I thought maybe the film was finally wrapping up as our protagonists were escaping the cannibal tribes. There on there boat home Free; cruising down the river. 
But than it just keeps going. 

I check the time. There's 30 minutes more to go! 

I think: ''My God what could they possibly do.'' 
I'll tell you what they did. 

They had another story involving a slave camp that wasn't needed.  

Oh, and there's no dinosaurs!! 
Not one. 
You can't even make the excuse that they were going for a more ''realistic'' story. 

There's one weird-ass mystical moment where the stereotype tribes men summon their God who happens to be a half dinosaur half man like creature; who wants to sacrifice our too pretty protagonist women. 

So yeah they could have had dinosaurs if they wanted. 
Even just men in crappy suits running around with plastic dinosaur heads would have been something. 

There are so many bad stories they could have made entertaining. 
But instead we get the worst of everything. 
It's boring and un-captivating. 
Even needless TNA couldn't save it. 

Maybe there's a pornhub edit where somebody just took all the naughty bits and splashed it all together into 15 minutes worth of film. 
I'd say go look for that if you want to get your rocks off. 

Otherwise you're not missing anything. 
Go watch Indiana Jones or any Adventure film from the 1950s. 
You'll have a better time.

I do have one positive. There's a scene where a snake is about to attack one of the the women in the forest. 
Our pretty boy protagonist man picks the snake up and throws it away from her. 
And you can tell by the way they filmed said scene that they didn't actually injured the snake.

So that's Good.

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